DrMike
Ballistician
- Nov 8, 2006
- 36,921
- 5,111
Thought I'd share a little political humout. Here's the first effort.
Five surgeons are talking.
#1 The first, a California surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
#2 The second, a Texas surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”
#3 The third, an Oklahoman surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.”
#4 The fourth, an Florida surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
#5 But, the fifth, a Washington, D.C. surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, — and the head and the backside are interchangeable.”
All right, I'm warmed up, now. Here's a second effort that explains how Congress works.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next.
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.
The teacher held her breath…
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher,
“How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”
Then I would say,”It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
“I used the governmental approach of giving you something crummy that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the awful taste out of your mouth.”
Okay, here's a another effort, relating a rather old story that still can bring a smile.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Nevada when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required..” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. …”
“Now give me back my dog.”
Okay, there is one last account from a recent event. I confess that I appreciate LEOs and I do not appreciate it when people complain that the police are becoming jaded. Here's a story that demonstrates that LEOs are compassionate, perhaps to a fault.
This story involves law enforcement officers from an unnamed state. They reported finding a man’s body recently in the early evening in a local river. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in a local bar . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The officers removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, the LEOs really are compassionate!!
Five surgeons are talking.
#1 The first, a California surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
#2 The second, a Texas surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”
#3 The third, an Oklahoman surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.”
#4 The fourth, an Florida surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
#5 But, the fifth, a Washington, D.C. surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, — and the head and the backside are interchangeable.”
All right, I'm warmed up, now. Here's a second effort that explains how Congress works.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next.
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.
The teacher held her breath…
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher,
“How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”
Then I would say,”It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
“I used the governmental approach of giving you something crummy that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the awful taste out of your mouth.”
Okay, here's a another effort, relating a rather old story that still can bring a smile.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Nevada when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required..” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. …”
“Now give me back my dog.”
Okay, there is one last account from a recent event. I confess that I appreciate LEOs and I do not appreciate it when people complain that the police are becoming jaded. Here's a story that demonstrates that LEOs are compassionate, perhaps to a fault.
This story involves law enforcement officers from an unnamed state. They reported finding a man’s body recently in the early evening in a local river. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in a local bar . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The officers removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, the LEOs really are compassionate!!
