Reflecting

[Vince]

This past year has been nothing like what I planned or expected.

Thought I had finally made it to Alaska only to get my contract terminated. The jobs I found up there after my contract was terminated were paying what I’m making in Arizona. With the cost of living up there it was a no brainer for me to head back south.

I guess you really can want something too much. Then I had a heart attack that really knocked the wind out of my sails and I came to the conclusion that the hard stuff is off the table. So I’m saying goodbye to fly in Alaska hunts. Guess I’ll never get that big brownie I dreamed about.

So over the past year I’ve learned a lot about who my friends are. I was fortunate that a couple friends were able to loan me money to get back to the lower 48. Now I’m back to where it all began in the town I was raised in. Not too thrilled about being here but I guess it’s where I’m supposed to be right now.

Didn’t hunt anything this year and don’t really desire to. Next year I’ll put in for cow elk and deer. Saving my money for a South African hunt for plains game. I’ve selected an outfitter and we’ve had some good conversations back and forth that my gut says is good to go with. Got eight animals on my plains game list. If I can swing it I’ll go over a second time for Cape Buffalo with the same outfitter unless things don’t work out.

They say getting older beats the alternative but sometimes I’m not so sure. I’ll just have to wait and see. I’ll hit sixty next year but I’m feeling like I’m ninety already. I know that’s younger than many of you but I’m regretting some of my previous choices.

My biggest regret is not having kids. Didn’t get married until I was in my thirties and boy did I pick the wrong one. She didn’t want kids and by the time she did I knew she wasn’t someone I wanted to have them with. Really glad I didn’t have kids with her because she filed for divorce and fought me tooth and nail for everything. That was after she was arrested and admitted to a documented plan to kill me.

So unlucky in the wife draw, as well as multiple girlfriends draw, I’m a confirmed soloist. My legacy will be what I make it and it will die with me. I’m hating getting older because I see it as a wasting of my youth. I’ll still keep adapting and trying but the days are getting shorter and while the desire may be there the ability no longer is.

Vince

 

[JD338]

Keep the faith Vince. Life can throw us curve balls.
You just haven't met the right girl yet. She's out there waiting for you.
I got lucky the second time around except all my hunting and shooting stuff now cost 2x.

JD338

 

[filmjunkie4ever]

You have my sympathies friend. Life is very hard. I take great hope in knowing that this is all temporary. Our misery and suffering will be done away with, forever.

Someday everything is going to be alright. But, to quote Tom Petty, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

 

[PJGunner]

I'm not sure how I would respond to your post. My youngest daughter says, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Sometimes she substitute, Then you marry one." but either way you get the message. The point is nothing in life is guaranteed to be easy.
In march 2019 my wife of 52 years passed. In January 2020 I was in a bad motor vehicle accident which has curtailed any shooting or hunting ever since. In 2021 a heart attack and in 2022 colon cancer. I was notified two month ago that I beat the colon cancer but, now it's in my liver, pancreas and stomach. I'm at the point I can actually joke about it. FWIW, this is my fourth bout with cancer. I've beat it three times now and I'll be damned if I'll let this one beat me. One thing that helps if you can do it is don't lose your sense of humor. Mine has taken me through some very bad days but I'm 86 as of last August and I'm not quitting.
Paul B.

 

[JD338]

Paul,
Your words of wisdom resonate.

JD338

 

[3 Meter Para Bellum]

I cannot say that I relate directly to a lot of what you have experienced, but I have fallen subject to a sickness that may be with me for the rest of my life that is quite similar to Lyme Disease. I am a young man that should be in the prime of life, but at times I was forced to realize that my Grandma was more physically able than I was. I understand what it feels like to think that your youth was, or in my case, is being wasted. Now I have seen some improvements in my health, but I am still constantly limited, and even though it isn't my fault that my health is poor, I sometimes feel guilty for not being capable of more. Like you said, the will is there, I just can't do the things I am willing to.

But what I find is that guilt and regret have no benefit as long term companions, even if we have reason to regret our decisions. Let regret teach you a lesson, but don't let it rule your life. You are still alive today and are able to act on what lessons you learned from past mistakes, even if you aren't as young and strong as you once were. Getting old isn't fun I'm sure, but God uses all our burdens when we allow him to, and that is a fact that I have to remind myself of constantly.

You know I wrote a song about how I feel about being sick that you might relate to. Unfortunately you won't have the tune, but the words still might mean something by themselves.

Title: I Want To Feel

Verse
Tell me, tell me this isn't where I am
Tell me, tell me when I can open my eyes again
I want to feel, but not any pain
Did I lose myself anyway

Tell me, tell me where a broken road begins
Tell me, tell me how this will turn out good in the end
I want to feel, and not to hate
The world I feel I justly blame

Chorus
But now that my eyes are open wide I see
That I was always alone
Now that I'm here I realize before
Could have never been my home
I want to feel, then break through
Did they ever feel this too

Bridge
Another day goes by, I guess all you can do is try
To make it through and survive
Just don't forget that your alive
Your alive tonight
Don't forget that your alive

Repeat Chorus

 

[Vince]

I’m always down around the holidays.
For me it’s a time of death not birth or rejoicing.

Vince

 

[filmjunkie4ever]

I’m always down around the holidays.
For me it’s a time of death not birth or rejoicing.

Vince

It sure can be Vince. Christmas day 2018, I lost an Uncle to cancer. December 23rd 2020, I lost another uncle, also to cancer.

 

[Vince]

I lost both my parents after the new year.
Dad in 1986 and mom in 2020.

 

[bkordon]

Vince,
The holidays are hard. Whether it is reflection and and missing loved ones or having to work through adversity, it is a challenge.
Keep your head up. Life has a way of coming around. I am obviously not as eloquent as some of the others here, but I wish you the best going forward.
Ben

 

[Vince]

Thank you all.

 

[sako2]

Vince a lot of us can't do what we use to. It's part of life. Keep pushing forward and keep your chin up.

 

[hunter24605]

Vince, you sure have been through stormy seas, but you came through it. Maybe beaten and battered, but a survivor non the less. I got divorced last year after 23 years because she never figured out that I like my wife how I like my coffee.....Without someone else's d**k in it. (a little humor helps the sting ). We're all pulling for you.